Steps 4 and 5 - Pick one thing you want to learn from 

Step 4, Pick one thing to learn from

Choose one item from Step 3, something that’s sticking with you the most, or that you wish you’d done differently, or that feels the most important to take a deeper look at. 

Write:

“In that situation, what was I expecting, assuming, or trying to protect myself from?”

Then write:

“If I take a step back and look at it now, what do I understand about the situation, action, or feeling that I didn’t see then?”

When you revisit an experience from a more settled state, you have a chance to add new meaning to it.

You can influence what your brain keeps linking to the memory. For example, only threat and self-criticism, or also context and perspective.

Step 5, Decide how you want to handle it next time

Write:

“When something like this comes up again, here’s how I’m going to choose to handle it…”

Research on implementation intentions shows that making this kind of cue-and-response plan can make the situation easier to notice and the planned action easier to initiate when it arrives.

The more specific the cue, the more useful the plan. Instead of “I’ll handle this better,” try: “If I notice I’m rushing to defend myself, then I’ll pause and ask a clarifying question.”

You’re giving your prefrontal cortex a prepared response before the next moment gets emotionally charged.